All tagged 0.5

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Brutally cloying, inauthentic-feeling sweetness clubs you upfront, and if you enjoy punishment and go back for a second sip, your (now lower) expectations will be met, and you will think to yourself "dammit, why did I buy a whole case of these without trying one first?". The sweeteners steer you far off course, though you can catch a glimpse of a cocoa flavor desperate to poke through. Like a half-dead skunk in the middle of the road-- it won't do either of you any good to get it to the other side. Texture-wise, it's fine given the 'recovery' genre, but a long ways from 'milky' or 'pleasant.' Try if you must, avoid if you can.

Jocko Mölk Chocolate Protein Shake

Jocko Mölk Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

On the good side- it's nicely under-sweet, allowing a muddy, almost ashy cocoa flavor achieve some prominence. On the bad side-- everything else. It's sludgy, chalky, and under-salted. Again, I appreciate the sweetener restraint, but the flavor that is there rings of Stevia (Reb-M) which, like a zit on the end of your nose, is nearly impossible to hide. Taking nothing away from the keto-friendly, high-protein, grass-fed claims (which are great)-- I only review on taste and drinking experience, and both border on 'foul.'

Shamrock Farms Swirled Chocolate Almond & Coconut Milk

Shamrock Farms Swirled Chocolate Almond & Coconut Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Funky in a way that made me immediately check the sell-by date. There's a lingering, acidic / pukey flavor that is present throughout and it's a bad matchup for my personal tastes. Chocolate plus almond plus coconut is an ambitious combination from a flavor standpoint, and I'm not sensing any synergy here. Try if you must, avoid if you can.

Fairlife Protein Chocolate Milk

Fairlife Protein Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Lead-like dull flavor, with no semblance of what makes chocolate milk enjoyable-- some sweetness, cocoa, creaminess, etc-- none of those are remotely represented here. There's a mineral-esque, clinical, hold-your-nose-and-take-your-medicine quality to the 'flavor', and an egregiously chalky and drying finish that, as far as I can tell, is an effort to curb that pre-vomit salivation.

Quest Chocolate Protein Shake

Quest Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

A sludgy, chalky disaster that only gets worse when you put it in your mouth. Sure, it delivers a ton of protein without the calories, at the mere cost of your pleasure and self-respect. It's overly fakey-sweet, with zero salt note to bring a resolution to it. There is at least a noticeable cocoa flavor if you can sift through the other garbage to appreciate it.

Slate Dark Chocolate Milk

Slate Dark Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Less flavorful overall than its ‘classic’ counterpart, and when the flavor is generally bad, less of it is a good thing. The cocoa is more noticeable, but there isn’t much salt, sweetness, or cream to help develop it or add dimension. It’s watery and highly chalky as well— I appreciate the packaging and the ‘better for you’ endeavor, but from a flavor / drinking experience standpoint, it’s significantly below the typical ‘bad’ chocolate milk.

Yoohoo Cookies & Cream

Yoohoo Cookies & Cream

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Easily the worst version of Yoo-hoo I’ve tried. The bouquet alone should be an effective defense mechanism, but should you go in for a sip, rest assured it will be one of very few. It’s an egregious miss—assuming the target was cookies & cream and not soured acetone. This is terrible.

Oberweis No Sugar Added Low Fat Chocolate Milk

Oberweis No Sugar Added Low Fat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

A chemical-esque chalky concoction, this may be more enjoyable to take as a suppository. The earthy flavor is more ‘garage sweepings’ than ‘arable countryside’ and the sweetener is distracting (perhaps a good thing in this case). I get that it’s low calorie— but it just reinforces the adage that there’s no biological free lunch.

Nestle Milo Active Go

Nestle Milo Active Go

Perry Argiropoulos
Philippines

Salty and ferrous, as though someone poured watered-down clam chowder through a rusty gutter and boxed it up for you. The basketball player on the front of the box is blatantly exposing both armpits, perhaps a subtle harbinger of what’s inside.

Hershey's Leche Sabor a Chocolate

Hershey's Leche Sabor a Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
Mexico

Nothing like the Hershey’s I’ve had elsewhere— this is cloyingly sweet in a fruity way and has a disturbingly plastic-like texture. The signature Hershey’s cocoa flavor is entirely absent, and the aftertaste is reminiscent of garage sweepings. After 4 or 5 sips I’m left disoriented, and dangerously close to rinsing my mouth out with the equally noxious Mexico City tap water.

Weetabix On the Go Chocolate

Weetabix On the Go Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
Germany

Plenty of grit, plenty of other reasons to never drink this again. No sweetness, no cocoa, no salt, moderate cream. Weetabix is a popular brand in the UK, and this product perfectly conveys the British value of 'suffering for the sake of doing so.’ Drink this for ‘street cred’ if you must, but if it’s flavor you’re after, you're better off tonguing the coin return slot of a bus station payphone.

Galla Tejital 0% Cukor Kakaos

Galla Tejital 0% Cukor Kakaos

Perry Argiropoulos
Hungary

Imagine this- you snorted a full packet of Sweet ’n Low, then someone blasted you in the face, causing your nose to trickle artificially-sweetened blood both in through your lips and down the back of your throat. This experience (in bottled form) is available at Auchan for a mere 219 Hungarian Forint.

Protein Pro Shake Chocolate Flavor

Protein Pro Shake Chocolate Flavor

Perry Argiropoulos
Germany

A flavor reminiscent of skunky, under-sweetened Ensure, with a torpidly gummy texture. Choking to death on this stuff would be an awful way to die-- for me it lies somewhere between ‘open water shark attack' and ‘getting slowly consumed feet-first by a runaway escalator.’

Matilde Sport 50% Less Sugar

Matilde Sport 50% Less Sugar

Perry Argiropoulos
Denmark

Clearly, Matilde felt it necessary to concoct a cross between the ‘Mini’ 50% less sugar version and the ‘Sport’ extra protein version. In this case, you get the worst of both: super-chalky, nasty texture (Sport) and the gutter runoff flavor (Mini) that would make tree bark taste like peanut butter fudge by comparison.

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