All tagged High Protein

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Brutally cloying, inauthentic-feeling sweetness clubs you upfront, and if you enjoy punishment and go back for a second sip, your (now lower) expectations will be met, and you will think to yourself "dammit, why did I buy a whole case of these without trying one first?". The sweeteners steer you far off course, though you can catch a glimpse of a cocoa flavor desperate to poke through. Like a half-dead skunk in the middle of the road-- it won't do either of you any good to get it to the other side. Texture-wise, it's fine given the 'recovery' genre, but a long ways from 'milky' or 'pleasant.' Try if you must, avoid if you can.

Jocko Mölk Chocolate Protein Shake

Jocko Mölk Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

On the good side- it's nicely under-sweet, allowing a muddy, almost ashy cocoa flavor achieve some prominence. On the bad side-- everything else. It's sludgy, chalky, and under-salted. Again, I appreciate the sweetener restraint, but the flavor that is there rings of Stevia (Reb-M) which, like a zit on the end of your nose, is nearly impossible to hide. Taking nothing away from the keto-friendly, high-protein, grass-fed claims (which are great)-- I only review on taste and drinking experience, and both border on 'foul.'

Premier Protein Indulgence Decadent Dark Chocolate

Premier Protein Indulgence Decadent Dark Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Unsurprisingly thick and chalky, but surprisingly chocolaty-- and I must say, there's more of a salty hit which is rarely found in this recovery, protein-laden genre-- and I think it does the flavor and drinking experience some good. That said, it still compares poorly to your average, 1% lowfat chooclate milk, but it's noticeably a step up from your typical low-carb, high-protein gruel. "Indulgence" is definitely a stretch, but if we're speaking in relative terms, fine.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milkshake

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milkshake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Beefy, starchy, chalky, and thankfully somewhat bland. The sweetener is fortunately less-aggressive than its sibling and while the chocolate flavor is entirely absent-- it's blander, and somehow more enjoyable for it. Texture-wise, this is a bad matchup for me-- the drying/chalkiness grinds your mouth to a screeching halt, you will feel like you could light a match off your tongue. Or really any surface that this stuff comes in contact with. I've had much worse tasting things in this genre, but the physical drinking experience of this is bottom-tier. Yuck.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milk

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Exceedingly thin cocoa presence, and very little flavor outside of the cloying, unnatural-feeling spike you get from the monk fruit juice concentrate (natural sweetener). The strange sweetness twang dominates the experience and remains into the aftertaste, paired with a textural astringency that plays chalkier than it should on the palate. I appreciate that it's lactose free, A2 beta casein protein, gluten free, lower sugar, higher protein-- but the flavor and drinking experience is severely lacking in the 'enjoyment' measures.

Muscle Milk Pro Chocolate Peanut Butter

Muscle Milk Pro Chocolate Peanut Butter

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Not as thick or (fakely) sweet as the 'Knockout Chocolate' flavor-- but it still carries plenty of heft and an odd peanut-adjacent flavor that caused me to bristle at first, but subsequent sips beat my tastebuds into submission where it became palatable (but no more enjoyable). There was an element of 'stop resisting' [insert police brutality meme]. Nothing about the flavor or drinking experience approaches 'good' or even 'ok'. The aftertaste is an unpleasant continuation of its preceding sip; I would seriously struggle for motivation if this were my post-workout 'reward.' 

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Chocolate Protein Shake

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Surprisingly bland, and I mean that in a good way. The sweeteners aren't out of control, the texture isn't overly thick or chalky, and the cocoa flavor is subtle, if not pancake-thin, but identifiable nonetheless. Usually protein shakes slither and writhe out of their openings like a (somehow still alive) jellied eel-- and in this case, it's, well, directionally milky (but not milky) and it doesn't try to do too much. And it largely achieves that (not much). And it doesn't offend terribly in the process. Backhanded praise is still praise. A score of 2.0 is generous.

SlimFast High Protein Creamy Chocolate Shake

SlimFast High Protein Creamy Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Disturbingly thick and chalky, with no positive flavor attributes and a sharp yet playful fake-sweetener twang to the uvula. Impressive enough stats-- 20g protein, 1g sugar, 5g fiber, etc.-- however, it's living proof that there's no biological 'free lunch' as the saying goes. Bad taste and a worse feel, this leans more 'appetite suppressant' than the intended 'meal replacement.'

Spylt Max Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Spylt Max Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Though the ingredients don't differ (except caffeine content) In side-by-side comparison, this has a noticeably less-cloying upfront sweetness than its lower-ceffeine counterpart, making it feel slightly more balanced. The unpleasantly heavy chalkiness is still present in the latter half of the sip-- almost complelling you to take another sip-- which of course won't improve the situation. Like downing a bunch of water in an attempt to allay an undesired spiciness in your mouth. Anyway, I'm starting to feel the buzz a couple minutes into the can-- so the caffeine is definitely there and does its job well.

Spylt Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Spylt Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Thin, watery, and immediately sweet-- it has a similar hit to Yoo-hoo, but the cocoa flavor is drowned out by an inauthentic and oddly fleeting sweetness (whereas Yoo-hoo's cocoa flavor is drowned out by an authentic sweetness). The thin viscosity quickly abates and you're left with a surprisingly chalky finish given its initial litheness. I appreciate the niche it's going for-- high protein, low (no) sugar, and caffeine-- and I have had much worse things slither across my palate over the years. Try this for a quick fix of protein and/or caffeine, but don't expect a luxurious (or even average) chocolate milk experience from a flavor and drinking experience standpoint.

Freshly Dairy Protein Milk

Freshly Dairy Protein Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Remarkable in many ways-- all of them good. A whole, creamline, protein-fortified chocolate milk is an extremely rare find, and in this case, fantastically well conceived and executed. The added whey protein concentrate carries no flavor or textural baggage whatsoever-- it does add a little thickness but there's no way that I would know that without having looked at the label. I dig that the most prominent flavor is a salty-maltiness (not sweetness)-- and despite lacking a powerful cocoa presence, this is simply one of the very best tasting (and drinking) protein-fortified products that I've ever had. And I've had hundreds.

Shamrock Farms Builder Max Chocolate Shake

Shamrock Farms Builder Max Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Decidedly undersweet, and though it doesn't taste good per se, it's a bold and pleasant departure from its overly-cloying fakely sweet peers. On the texture side, it's what you think it is-- sludgy, chalky, chock full of protein isolate-- all things that veer strongly away from 'milky'. I am nonetheless impressed by the potability and restraint on the sweetening side. It's not good, but I must admit it's twice as good as I expected it to be.

Muscle Milk Zero Chocolate Protein Shake

Muscle Milk Zero Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Fakely (and strongly) sweet upfront with a starchy, chalky body-- full of protein to be sure, but devoid of anything pleasant. There's little to no cocoa flavor in spite of its dark and deeply brown visage. The post-sip vibes are a regret-inducing confluence of astringency and cloying chemical sweetness. ZERO reasons to drink this unless you need a quick protein infusion.

Shamrock Farms Mocha Latte Rockin' Protein Energy

Shamrock Farms Mocha Latte Rockin' Protein Energy

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Fairly odd stuff, even for the chocolate-adjacent category. It's as though you spilled a cup of cornstarch in your hours-old mug of Folgers. Doesn't have a ton of flavor, but what's there is decidedly more coffee than cocoa. It's undersweet, undersalty, undercreamy, and overstarchy. On the plus side, you could probably use this as the goopy paste in your next paper maché project.

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Mystifying combination of thin/smooth viscosity with a chalky, astringent epilogue-- giving it a medicinal bent (think Pepto Bismol without the tasty mint flavor). The weird foamy head that manifests a few minutes after pouring it into a cup is an ample harbinger of the non-milky experience upon which you'll soon embark. The cocoa flavor has an unflattering aerosol essence to it and despite the label touting "made with a Greek Yogurt base" there is no fermented, yogurty, microbial presence-- which is the best thing I can say about it.

Splenda Milk Chocolate Shake

Splenda Milk Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Densely sludgy with no recreational payoff-- it's as hard to recommend this stuff as it is to finish the 8 oz bottle. The dominant flavor isn't one of cocoa-- it's more of an 'old milk on the cusp of turning' fruitiness that is likely a product of its proprietary Splenda sucralose and allulose blend of sweeteners. That flavor carries on in the aftertaste, paired with a drying chalkiness that grinds your mouth to a halt. This might be your body's natural defense against taking another sip. Heed its warning.

REDCON1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate

REDCON1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Disturbingly (albeit artificially) sweet upon first sip, with a chalky, gummy, non-milky consistency that's neither enjoyable nor uncommon among protein-fortified drinks. The faux-sweetness lingers well beyond its initial spike, and the flavor certainly doesn't improve over time. I get that taste and drinking experience isn't this product's raison d'être, but dialing back the sweetness by 300% would yield at least a 100% improvement.

HEB Mootopia Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

HEB Mootopia Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Strong and quick pop of upfront sweetness that settles down with a cocoa dusting in the latter third of each sip. A strong saltiness both distracts from the chocolate flavor and likely obfuscates any would-be twang from the non-sugar sweeteners. In short, it's unique, and has a punchy flavor-- just not in the exact locations and proportions that you'd get in a top-tier chocolate milk.

Marcel's Kinera Chocolate Milk Beverage

Marcel's Kinera Chocolate Milk Beverage

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Surprisingly flavorful and chocolaty for a shelf-stable, protein-fortified chocolate milk. Sure, there's some chalkiness from the protein concentrate, and sure, there's a slight but noticeable cooked milk flavor from the high-temp pasteurizing, but drinking this is decidedly more pleasure than pain, and compares very favorably to its typical 'recovery beverage' peer group. I get that a 5.0 isn't an impressive score, but for the genre, trust me- it is.

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Cookies & Cream

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Cookies & Cream

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Strange light-vanilla flavor that has a cereal-esque bent to it-- but ultimately dominated by an inauthentic sweetness that peaks early and rears its head again in the aftertaste. It seems fakely sweet, fakely salty, and wholly unsatisfying. Texture-wise, it could be a lot worse, as it flows pretty freely and is not bogged down by a starchy sludginess like many others in the 'recovery' genre.

Load More