All tagged 2.5

Spylt Max Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Spylt Max Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Though the ingredients don't differ (except caffeine content) In side-by-side comparison, this has a noticeably less-cloying upfront sweetness than its lower-ceffeine counterpart, making it feel slightly more balanced. The unpleasantly heavy chalkiness is still present in the latter half of the sip-- almost complelling you to take another sip-- which of course won't improve the situation. Like downing a bunch of water in an attempt to allay an undesired spiciness in your mouth. Anyway, I'm starting to feel the buzz a couple minutes into the can-- so the caffeine is definitely there and does its job well.

Shamrock Farms Builder Max Chocolate Shake

Shamrock Farms Builder Max Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Decidedly undersweet, and though it doesn't taste good per se, it's a bold and pleasant departure from its overly-cloying fakely sweet peers. On the texture side, it's what you think it is-- sludgy, chalky, chock full of protein isolate-- all things that veer strongly away from 'milky'. I am nonetheless impressed by the potability and restraint on the sweetening side. It's not good, but I must admit it's twice as good as I expected it to be.

Gossner Foods Reduced Fat Cookies 'N Cream Milk

Gossner Foods Reduced Fat Cookies 'N Cream Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Very heavy-handed on the sugary side of the ledger-- affording very little else to come through in the sip. The cookies & cream flavor is somewhat muted and drinks more like a 'candified' chocolate milk-- by that, I mean that it tastes more like chocolate candy than actual chocolate. Texture-wise, there are clumps of goo that float to the top and detract from a smooth drinking experience. I don't like it.

Premier Protein Chocolate Peanut Butter

Premier Protein Chocolate Peanut Butter

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Surprisingly palatable for 1g sugar and 30g protein-- the additional salt and peanut butter flavoring helps quite a bit and feels like 'success' despite a low overall rating compared with average chocolate milk. There's no getting rid of the vitamin-laden, metallic 'twang' that plagues these type of drinks, but at least it attempts to make it more pleasurable on its way down.

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Chocolate

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

You won't believe that this doesn't contain 'coconut' flavor in some capacity. It's an odd flavor, completely devoid of chocolate, but surprisingly pleasant given the low expectations. It drinks a little lighter than its peers, but still has a drying chalkiness that seems to be unavoidable in this tranche. Points for uniqueness and wince-free potability.

Muscle Monster Chocolate Energy Shake

Muscle Monster Chocolate Energy Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

An improvement over past iterations, but still lacking heavily in most relevant measures. It drinks a lot more watery than it looks and feels-- and has a pretty restrained flavor (which is better than having a strong, awful flavor). A chalkiness sets in about 4 seconds after the swallow, and it will even spread to your lips if unchecked. In short, not as offensive as I was braced for, but to call it a pleasant surprise would border on hyperbolic.

McDonald's Lowfat Chocolate Milk

McDonald's Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Strong but fleeting pop of cocoa flavor upfront, but soon degenerates to a drab blandness and acute astringency. It peaks way early, and the undersweetness, while appreciated, doesn't allow for any other quality to rise to prominence. The aftertaste worsens with each passing moment, causing you to scramble around for a cold french fry remnant or any other edible mass to curb the ensuing misery.

Family Express Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Family Express Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Drab, flavorless, and pancake flat; it’s ‘austerity’ in liquid form. Despite a lack of prominent taste, it finishes with a slightly earthy bent, and an annoyingly astringent feel. I’ve had much funkier products, but this one has all the makings of a D+ grade without the excitement of a more abject failure.

Nesquik Protein Power Chocolate Milk

Nesquik Protein Power Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Funky fortified-esque flavor, not inconsistent with the Nesquik profile, but a departure from what most would consider to be ‘tasty.’ It’s salty upfront, and drying on the back end, and not enjoyable in between. Drink it for the ‘protein’ if you must, but this is strictly for post-recreation, not for recreation itself.

Snickers Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Snickers Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

I was shocked to find that ‘coffee’ was not a primary ingredient— as this tastes much more like a botched hazelnut mocha latte than a liquid Snickers bar. Things only get worse in the aftertaste— best not to have a foretaste.

Stewart's Shops Chocolate Dairy Shake

Stewart's Shops Chocolate Dairy Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Unsettlingly girthy and sweet beyond what the law should allow. I peeled off the label and was expecting to see ‘Diabetes in a Jug’ underneath. It’s far too thick and sugary to attempt to discern other flavors and properties, frankly, if you’re past the age of 11, I can’t in good faith recommend.

Organic Valley Breakfast Balance Dark Chocolate

Organic Valley Breakfast Balance Dark Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Hollow and watery with the trademark Stevia-astringency, which remains remarkably difficult to hide. I’ve had much worse tasting things at this low-50s-calorie-per-100mL tranche, and I can’t deny the impressive attributes (organic, lactose free, gluten free, Fair Trade, high calcium, high(ish) protein)— but the flavor and drinking experience does not compare favorably to your average chocolate milk.

United Dairy Chocolate Nonfat Milk

United Dairy Chocolate Nonfat Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Has that sweet carton-y flavor that plagues many chocolate milks packaged in such a way. Basically, it’s like licking one of those colored greeting card envelopes that has a modicum of sweetness and otherwise industrial paper-like quality. I think I prefer the envelope.

Selecta Moo Ener-Go

Selecta Moo Ener-Go

Perry Argiropoulos
Philippines

Tastes exactly how a chocolate scratch-n-sniff sticker smells. There's no salt, and a poorly simulated cocoa flavor that feels like it came from an automotive research lab. The mouthfeel isn’t bad at all, and the flavor, despite having the aforementioned characteristics, could also be worse.

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