All tagged 1.0

Splenda Milk Chocolate Shake

Splenda Milk Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Densely sludgy with no recreational payoff-- it's as hard to recommend this stuff as it is to finish the 8 oz bottle. The dominant flavor isn't one of cocoa-- it's more of an 'old milk on the cusp of turning' fruitiness that is likely a product of its proprietary Splenda sucralose and allulose blend of sweeteners. That flavor carries on in the aftertaste, paired with a drying chalkiness that grinds your mouth to a halt. This might be your body's natural defense against taking another sip. Heed its warning.

REDCON1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate

REDCON1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Disturbingly (albeit artificially) sweet upon first sip, with a chalky, gummy, non-milky consistency that's neither enjoyable nor uncommon among protein-fortified drinks. The faux-sweetness lingers well beyond its initial spike, and the flavor certainly doesn't improve over time. I get that taste and drinking experience isn't this product's raison d'être, but dialing back the sweetness by 300% would yield at least a 100% improvement.

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Cookies & Cream

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Cookies & Cream

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Strange light-vanilla flavor that has a cereal-esque bent to it-- but ultimately dominated by an inauthentic sweetness that peaks early and rears its head again in the aftertaste. It seems fakely sweet, fakely salty, and wholly unsatisfying. Texture-wise, it could be a lot worse, as it flows pretty freely and is not bogged down by a starchy sludginess like many others in the 'recovery' genre.

Organic Valley Fuel Chocolate

Organic Valley Fuel Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

If Robitussin got into the chocolate milk business, I would expect something similar to this. Fortunately the Stevia flavor isn’t oppressive, but it’s not flavorful in any positive direction. The texture is dense and not as unnatural as expected, and visually, it looks ok. And just like that, my cough is gone.

Mu Choco Dichoso

Mu Choco Dichoso

Perry Argiropoulos
Costa Rica

I’m reminded of a late-season corn crib— as the flavor has a strong fermented grain quality. Each swallow fades clumsily into a starchy roux, causing you to question what, why, and how. And ultimately, who.

Joyya Chocolate Milk

Joyya Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
Canada

A rotten, chalkier emulation of Fairlife. Everything is second rate, from the sickly gray substance that slithers out of the hole to the ‘what-sweetness-exists-is-obviously-fake’ flavor, to the starchy, drying finish. Awful.

Hiland Skim Chocolate Milk

Hiland Skim Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

It's easy to forget how unnatural skim chocolate milk looks, feels, and tastes— this is no exception. Cloyingly sweet and unsupported by its cream-starved base, you will begin to wonder if even the most sugar-ravenous kids would disparage their young viscera with anything more than a trial sip.

Alpura Deslactosada Chocolate

Alpura Deslactosada Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
Mexico

Boozy and sweet— makes me wonder if this milk is in the process of turning foul. There's a very prominent powdery feel, which may be in part due to the rehydration. I watch its solute cling desperately to the inside of the glass, as I regrettably afford my innards the same fate. Ok, ‘no mas.’

Inex Samson Chocodrink

Inex Samson Chocodrink

Perry Argiropoulos
Belgium

There's some kind of action that goes on in the back of the mouth, akin to a how a relatively light liqueur might feel. Maybe this stuff is starting to ‘turn’— it’s not quite to the boozy stage but has a disconcerting feel, and a sourness that fills the remainder of the experience.

Albert Heijn Basic Skimmed Choco Milk

Albert Heijn Basic Skimmed Choco Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
Belgium

Gives off a strange sensation that I’ve not felt much before— the first sip hits you as a hollow sweetness, and then, in your mouth, the swallow and aftertaste just get progressively sweeter. I’m not sure how/why this works, but it’s unpleasant. The sweetness feels unnatural as well, and the chocolate flavor is not at all worth the trouble.

Baltais Piens Sokolades

Baltais Piens Sokolades

Perry Argiropoulos
Latvia

Smells like joint compound- the type that goes on purple and dries white. The consistency is smooth but not entirely ‘milky’— it’s ‘off’ just enough to suspect foul play. Flavorwise, it’s only mildly sweet, not chocolaty, and has a raw, sour note that is weak, but congruent with its industrial bouquet.

Pilos Johny Kakao

Pilos Johny Kakao

Perry Argiropoulos
Poland

Smells a lot better than it tastes. The hazelnut flavor carries a slight bitterness before the sweetness of the remainder of the drink can register. It’s fairly thick, surprisingly smooth, and fairly creamy— but there's no cocoa flavor to offset the nutty funk.

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