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Bored Cow Chocolate Milk

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Tough to put into words, but think late-August seafood restaurant dumpster juice, without the intrigue. Solidly misses the mark on every facet of chocolate milk (except for a nice but unnaturally bright brown coloration). The flavor is a dull, non-sweet fruitiness with zero inkling of chocolate flavor, and the texture is an odd confluence of watery but chalky and sadly astringent during the remorseful afterglow. I applaud the concept. I dig the niche. I like the branding. Hate is a strong word. I absolutely hate the flavor and drinking experience.

Slate Chocolate Milk

Slate Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Overpowering faux take-your-medicine-esque sweetness with little relief to follow. You're left with an unnatural aftertaste and drying residue-- no semblance of chocolate or milk to be found. The label recommends you to 'shamelessly chug away'-- and I agree, as you'll want to limit the amount of tastebud contact as best you can.

Slate Classic Chocolate Milk

Slate Classic Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Well, it’s cold, brown, and would suck if you spilled it on your crotch— that’s where the similarities with chocolate milk end. I want to like this, but even the smallest sip brings about facial contortions. It looks decent coming out the can, but the flavor is unfortunately dominated by a heavy-handed pseudo-bitter-sweet twang that steers the rest of the experience toward imminent catastrophe.

Chocolate Gold Chocolate Milk

Chocolate Gold Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

I have to believe that this product has unfortunately ‘turned’ and is not in its normal state. I’ve had lots of spoiled milk over the years, and the fruity, almost rum-like state is a telltale sign that I could smell upon first open. The ‘sell by date’ is today, and since it’s been in my possession it has been kept ice cold— so yeah.. The store only had 1 unit left; assuming it was handled poorly. :( Will endeavor to review this next time I’m in PA.

Milk 2 Go Sport Pro Chocolate

Milk 2 Go Sport Pro Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
Canada

It probably won’t stab you to death in the shower. That’s the only positive thing I can say about it. You won’t question the ‘no sugar added’ claim on the front, but you may ponder how many brushings it will take to erase the flavor from your mouth, and how much bleach you’ll have to huff to dull the memory.

Candia Baby Croissance 3 Chocolat

Candia Baby Croissance 3 Chocolat

Perry Argiropoulos
France

Albino/gray milk with nary a hint of sugar, cocoa, or anything else that might taste good. If you’ve ever opened a cup-of-soup envelope and inhaled some of the dust that emanates forth— there's a tiny bit of that sensation in the flavor. Writing anything more would require taking another sip, so I’ll stop here.

Milk In Kefirove Mleko Coko

Milk In Kefirove Mleko Coko

Perry Argiropoulos
Czech Republic

100% unconsumable. Smells like vinegar, drinks like rotten salad dressing (provided salad dressing can rot)— way worse than I remember when I first had* it 5 years ago. *Had = took one sip, thinking it was chocolate milk, and spewed it all over Prague’s lovely Old Town streets. To be fair, it’s some kind of fermented kefir drink, but “Milk In,” “Mléko čoko,” the cow and chocolate graphics on the outside might be enough to fool someone into thinking it's chocolate milk.

Rumble SuperShake Dutch Cocoa

Rumble SuperShake Dutch Cocoa

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

If ‘potting soil’ and ‘paint thinner’ had a baby, this would be the amniotic fluid. This isn’t really chocolate milk in the purest sense, it’s definitely a ‘health shake’— and it may deliver on that, but if it’s taste you’re after, spread garbage disposal gleanings on a cracker instead.

Acure Made Rich Chocolate Drink

Acure Made Rich Chocolate Drink

Perry Argiropoulos
Japan

From a consistency standpoint, this is exactly what you’d expect diarrhea to look like in a cup and feel like in your mouth (here’s to hoping we never get to that point). This may be ‘spoiled’ in some regard, though it didn’t smell or taste rotten, just the chunky/gooey texture couldn't have been presented that way on purpose. I hate to say it, but the flavor wasn't terrible, but on consistency alone, this gets a zero.

Plum Park Chocolate Milk Drink

Plum Park Chocolate Milk Drink

Perry Argiropoulos
China

Tastes like weak watered-down coffee mixed with mild children’s cough medicine. Unpleasant regardless of anyone’s taste preferences. Its only strength is that it’s very low-calorie; no wonder chocolate milk is not popular in China— if this is what they think it is.

Ripple Chocolate

Ripple Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Tastes like you’d expect something that has ‘pea protein’ as the second ingredient would. Pretty awful if expecting chocolate milk, though it’s truly not a fair comparison as this is a non-dairy product and should be out of scope. My curiosity was the only thing satisfied here.

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