All in USA

Lochmead Farms Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Substantial texture and prominent cocoa flavor that leans towards the earthy side. The first part of the sip is the best, as there's a noticeable astringency a few seconds after the swallow that dries out the mouth a little and lends to a chalkier feel that wasn't present up front. 

Lochmead Farms Cafe Moooka

Appropriately thin and smooth, and a significantly stronger coffee flavor than cocoa flavor. The coffee flavor feels legit but is not one that matches up well with my preferences. I would describe it as a sour sweetness, with a fairly watery yet astringent finish.

Morning Fresh Farms Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Nicely smooth with a sharp upfront sweetness that trails off to a decently strong cocoa flavor, leaving you in a more favorable and satisfying position than its inauspiciously oversweet kickoff would suggest. That's a lot of language for a modestly above-par lowfat chocolate milk; more than happy to reserve my brevity for some thing more remarkable (good or bad).

Shamrock Farms Mocha Latte Rockin' Protein Energy

Fairly odd stuff, even for the chocolate-adjacent category. It's as though you spilled a cup of cornstarch in your hours-old mug of Folgers. Doesn't have a ton of flavor, but what's there is decidedly more coffee than cocoa. It's undersweet, undersalty, undercreamy, and overstarchy. On the plus side, you could probably use this as the goopy paste in your next paper maché project.

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Mystifying combination of thin/smooth viscosity with a chalky, astringent epilogue-- giving it a medicinal bent (think Pepto Bismol without the tasty mint flavor). The weird foamy head that manifests a few minutes after pouring it into a cup is an ample harbinger of the non-milky experience upon which you'll soon embark. The cocoa flavor has an unflattering aerosol essence to it and despite the label touting "made with a Greek Yogurt base" there is no fermented, yogurty, microbial presence-- which is the best thing I can say about it.

Weigel's Cookies & Cream Milk

Predictably sweet throughout, with an early-peaking cookies & cream flavor that recedes in time for the sweetness to finish out the latter half of the sip. The base feels substantial without chalky residue, though it lacks the soul and staying power of its more sophisticated creamline peers. In short, pick it up if you love cookies & cream, or if you have a demanding sweet tooth that needs to be put in its place.

Nesquik Fudge Brownie Milk

Stronger and I daresay slightly more mature than the typical Nesquik chocolate milk profile, you can easily convince yourself that the 'fudge brownie' flavor is there and not just the old purple-clad 'double chocolate' Nesquik with a suggestive new name. The experience quickly rings hollow, however, since its lowfat milk base isn't capable of deft flavor extension beyond initial tastebud contact. Disturbing that they have to put "made with real milk" on the package-- feels like it's running without being chased-- only inviting more suspicion in the process. 

Flatrock Creamery Chocolate Milk

Delectable thin-viscosity-to-high-creaminess ratio, confidently carrying its cocoa flavor and beautiful grassy lilt across any surface it comes in contact with. Being saltier than sweet further highlights the cream flavor and ensures minimal baggage in the aftertaste. Every bit as pleasant as an early-summer drive through southeast Indiana, but without the torrent of bug guts on the windshield.

Horizon Organic 2% Chocolate Milk

A modest (but noticeable) step above Horizon's traditional 1% chocolate milk, this build seems to have a bit more cocoa behind it, and the extra dairy fat is appreciated. It won't turn heads or start any new religions, but it's a welcome addition to the limited but long-standing chocolate milk portfolio from Horizon. 

Splenda Milk Chocolate Shake

Densely sludgy with no recreational payoff-- it's as hard to recommend this stuff as it is to finish the 8 oz bottle. The dominant flavor isn't one of cocoa-- it's more of an 'old milk on the cusp of turning' fruitiness that is likely a product of its proprietary Splenda sucralose and allulose blend of sweeteners. That flavor carries on in the aftertaste, paired with a drying chalkiness that grinds your mouth to a halt. This might be your body's natural defense against taking another sip. Heed its warning.

Equate Chocolate Nutritional Shake

Thick, mildly grainy, chalky, and severely handcuffed by a strong, metallic flavor that hits in the back half of the sip. Fortunately it doesn't linger for very long, but when both the taste and texture are miles from decency (let alone perfection) it's hard to give this anything above a deuce.

Carnation Breakfast Essentials Cookies & Cream

Poorly-executed cookies & cream flavor reliant on a fakey-sweet upfront pop and little more than instant regret on the back end. It didn't feel convincingly 'good'-- and by 'good' I mean 'not rotten'-- so it had me verifying the date stamped on the package a couple times. As of today, the Use By date is still 4+ months in the future, so I'm left to assume it's just general funkiness (and not bacterial invasion) responsible for the off-kilter taste.

Stooksbury Dairy Creamery Cocoa Coffee

As with nearly all mocha or chocolate/coffee milks, the coffee flavor way outpaces the chocolate flavor, where it feels like just coffee milk. Not a complaint, by the way, just an observation. This has a bit of a sweeter disposition than some others I've recently had, and I certainly find it enjoyable, but would be even more so (for me anyway) if it were reigned in a touch. But the creamline base is velvety and does more than its share of the flavor distribution and maintenance from initlal sip to lasting, satisfying repose.

Linden Creek Dairy Chocolate Milk

Sharply flavorful with a unique salty-maltiness to the cocoa flavor that works wonders in concert with the creamline base. Each sip is satisfying, yet addicting-- in that I want more as soon as I put down the cup. Likely, I have a problem. But this stuff does not. Wow!

REDCON1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate

Disturbingly (albeit artificially) sweet upon first sip, with a chalky, gummy, non-milky consistency that's neither enjoyable nor uncommon among protein-fortified drinks. The faux-sweetness lingers well beyond its initial spike, and the flavor certainly doesn't improve over time. I get that taste and drinking experience isn't this product's raison d'être, but dialing back the sweetness by 300% would yield at least a 100% improvement.

Le-Ara Farm Chocolate Milk

Medium-to malty cocoa flavor over a warm creamline base-- deliciously well balanced and a breeze to sip-- I'm nearly two pints in and finally remembered that I need to write the review. In short, if you like non-homogenized chocolate milk, you may not be surprised, but you won't be disappointed here.

Le-Ara Farm Cookies & Cream Milk

Tasty and accurate representation of cookies & cream, and certainly the creamline milk more than aids the 'cream' part of the equation, which, in my view, is the more interesting and enjoyable of the two. It's not over sweet, which is a common drawback in flavored milks (C&C in particular), but still feels desserty and worthy of your pursuit if potable cookies & cream is your calling.

Henry Farms of Knox White Chocolate Milk

Refreshingly undersweet and profiles more like a vanilla milk than anything else. It's very enjoyable, and doubtless the best white chocolate milk I've ever had. I love the smooth, unencumbered viscosity that does its job well with minimal baggage save for a slight astringency on the back end. All in all, a fun way to spend a few minutes and a few hundred cals.

Harmony Acres Dairy Chocolate Milk

Warmly creamy base and well-rounded across the board, this is a worthy steward of the creamline chocolate milk mantle that I've come to love so much. Easily drinkable and effortlessly indulgent, why anyone would homogenize milk these days is beyond me.

Mitch-Hill Dairy Farm & Creamery Chocolate Milk

Immediately flavorful, with a powerful cocoa punch and blast of supporting sweetness that will raise eyebrows and insulin levels in quick succession. Its delicious creamline base and hefty flavor lends to a solid, indulgent feel throughout, and one that I'm looking forward returning to as I make my way through the gallon jug.