All in USA

Henry Farms of Knox Chocolate Milk

Deliciously creamy-- and that's not only the main focus, but pretty much the only focus. The visuals are fantastic, as is the drinking experience-- it's just lacking a resolute cocoa flavor. What's there is super subtle, and it remains well balanced from a salty/sweet perspective as well, so it's still has a creamy, indulgent feel that you'd expect from a creamline chocolate milk-- just with delicate dusting of chocolate.

Westover Dairy Chocolate Milk

Surprisingly amped-up flavor that leads with a searing sweetness but delivers enough chocolate and salt to feel more like a haymaker than a sucker-punch. After repeated sips, you develop a cumulative throat-sting from the syrupy sweetness, and the cocoa flavor disappears rather abruptly in the aftertaste. It starts off strong, but finishes rather feebly.

Westover Dairy Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Decently smooth, but significantly over-sweet, without a strong enough cocoa contingent to balance things out from an overall flavor standpoint. The heavy-handed sweetness attracts more attention than it should, since it's unfortunately a syrupy sweetness that ages poorly in the fridge and on the palate.

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk

Tough to put into words, but think late-August seafood restaurant dumpster juice, without the intrigue. Solidly misses the mark on every facet of chocolate milk (except for a nice but unnaturally bright brown coloration). The flavor is a dull, non-sweet fruitiness with zero inkling of chocolate flavor, and the texture is an odd confluence of watery but chalky and sadly astringent during the remorseful afterglow. I applaud the concept. I dig the niche. I like the branding. Hate is a strong word. I absolutely hate the flavor and drinking experience.

On Tapp Dairy Chocolate Milk

Absolutely annihilates that ideal thin-viscosity-to-high-creaminess-ratio that I so covet so much, delivering a fantastic dark and slightly mature cocoa flavor to any and all nearby flavor receptors. There's a grassy butteriness to the cream that ensures maximum flavor extension on the back end with no deterioration whatsoever-- it's flawless from start to finish, the only problem being that the bottle doesn't magically refill itself. All Kentucky roads should lead to Springfield-- I just saved it into my 'favorites' on my GPS.

Freshly Dairy Chocolate Milk

Delicious cocoa-malt punch with a velvety creamline texture that ends with a salty nip. It remains refreshingly focused on cocoa and cream throughout, and the sweetness plays its supporting role well, doing its part to enhance, not usurp the limelight. In total, it's a solidly built, slightly undersweet and over-creamy non-homogenized chocolate milk well worth your time and attention.

Southern Cultured Creamery Chocolate Milk

Densely flavorful creamline body that, much like fine wines and chocolate milk reviewers, gets better with age. A few days after opening the half gallon, I sense a grassier note which adds much desired 'dimensionality' to the cream. The cocoa flavor strikes the medium-to-malty part of my gustatory cortex and is warmly chaperoned by the cream flavor for a pleasant entrance and graceful exit-- of course leaving you wanting more.

Brookshire's Whole Chocolate Milk

Strongly chocolaty and sweet- it drinks thickly but packs a satisfying punch of flavor making the girth seem worth it. In a world of subpar private label chocolate milks, this stuff stands out and dares you not to be satisfied (if not won over) by its competence.

Mississippi State University Chocolate Milk

Its relatively light complexion accurately suggests a lighter cocoa presence-- creating a flavor void that is filled with a powerful (not quite 'searing') sweetness that eventually gives way to a chocolate note on the way out. It's still an enjoyable way to spend a couple minutes and a few hundred calories, but I'm left longing for a stronger cocoa flavor and more equitable sweet/salty balance.

HEB Mootopia Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Strong and quick pop of upfront sweetness that settles down with a cocoa dusting in the latter third of each sip. A strong saltiness both distracts from the chocolate flavor and likely obfuscates any would-be twang from the non-sugar sweeteners. In short, it's unique, and has a punchy flavor-- just not in the exact locations and proportions that you'd get in a top-tier chocolate milk.

HEB Organics Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Appropriate salty/sweet balance for a more adult, sourish, mature(ish) cocoa flavor-- which seems to be standard across many private label 2% organic chocolate milks. Sure, there's a cooked milk flavor from the ultra-pasteurization, sure that kills the 'soul' of the chocolate milk-- but the rest of it is decent enough to satisfy in a pinch, or even feature as the 'indulgent' portion of an unremarkable bagged lunch.

Mauthe's Progress Milk Barn Chocolate Milk

Gracefully thin and smooth for a creamline chocolate milk-- I appreciate the alacrity with which it moves and the facility with I can down a pint. Flavor-wise, it registers a sweetness upfront, followed by a lightly malty cocoa presence that takes you the rest of the way. It drinks quickly, and is enjoyable while it lasts.

Green Acres Creamery Moo-Caccino

Accurate and well-balanced mocha flavor delivered through a gorgeously creamy base-- I could get used to waking up to this every morning. And having it in the afternoon. Pretty much whenever I guess. If you enjoy the confluence of coffee & cocoa- definitely add this to your bucket list.

Green Acres Creamery Chocolate Peanut Butter Milk

Delicious onslaught of chocolaty, peanut-buttery, creamy goodness that does the combination justice. It takes advantage of its slightly less viscous (than its peers) texture to deliver brilliant, punchy flavor early and often to whatever surface it graces. Absolutely loving this right now, it will wake up your tastebuds without feeling heavy-handed-- it will bring a mid-sip smile to your mouth and gleam to your soul.

Green Acres Creamery Chocolate Milk

Warm creaminess with a salty and slightly grassy nip upfront, which sets the tone nicely for the cocoa flavor that tapers off gracefully into the aftertaste. It feels solidly built upon a delicious Jersey creamline foundation and rewards you with an indulgent treat worthy of slow, pensive sips and that coveted top-shelf refrigerator real estate.

Land O Lakes Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Smooth, lightly chocolaty, unoffensive, rather tolerable. It's saltier than sweet, and otherwise down the middle. Will not cause rapid heartbeat, excitement, depression, lust, anxiety, or any other sensation aside from a burning calm that, if unchecked, can lead to a sunken, empty regret for having played it safe.

Ten Finns Creamery Chocolate Milk

The rare, non-homogenous 2% body is by far its strongest attribute, and, well-- perhaps its only distinguishable attribute. While I appreciate the thin, creamier-than-it-should-be milky base, it could shoulder a ton more flavor than it is tasked with. Minnesota is known for relatively bland palates, and aside from a light stationery flavor (think licking a greeting card-- kinda satisfying, I know)-- it's difficult to locate much of a cocoa flavor at all. I want it to be there. I want to like this more than I do. I want to like myself more than I do. I identify with this chocolate milk: only modestly above average on its best day.

Mülü Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Sourish cocoa paired with a strong cooked milk flavor-- admittedly not something that sounds immediately enticing. Texture-wise, it's a tad chalky but otherwise unoffensive-- and as a whole, the enjoyment peaks at the mild satisfaction of a few strong pulls off of the straw.

Sport Shake Chocolate (2022)

Thick, sludgy, and paralyzingly sweet-- it looks better than it tastes and exudes a bit of 'heat' on the palate that feels weird. Good chocolate milk rarely comes in aluminum cans-- and it never comes in a can that looks like this.