Sep 1

Sep 1 Clover Valley Lactose Free Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Whoa-- way more sweet than I was expecting-- it was actually so powerfully cloying that it stung the back of the throat. I have to assume that this is not intentional and I got a particularly heavy-handed batch-- as I've had lots of this genre and it has never registered as painfully sweet. In an effort to look past that, there is a decent cocoa flavor (and gorgeous dark brown coloration) that is getting drowned out by the sugary onslaught. Texture-wise, it's got a bit of grit from the cocoa presence (again, which seems above and beyond for the lactose free, private-label genre,which I appreciate) and feels substantial and congruent with its 2% base. If you've got a sweet tooth, this will find it, and rot it out.

Jun 9

Jun 9 Spylt Max Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Though the ingredients don't differ (except caffeine content) In side-by-side comparison, this has a noticeably less-cloying upfront sweetness than its lower-ceffeine counterpart, making it feel slightly more balanced. The unpleasantly heavy chalkiness is still present in the latter half of the sip-- almost complelling you to take another sip-- which of course won't improve the situation. Like downing a bunch of water in an attempt to allay an undesired spiciness in your mouth. Anyway, I'm starting to feel the buzz a couple minutes into the can-- so the caffeine is definitely there and does its job well.

Jun 9

Jun 9 Spylt Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Thin, watery, and immediately sweet-- it has a similar hit to Yoo-hoo, but the cocoa flavor is drowned out by an inauthentic and oddly fleeting sweetness (whereas Yoo-hoo's cocoa flavor is drowned out by an authentic sweetness). The thin viscosity quickly abates and you're left with a surprisingly chalky finish given its initial litheness. I appreciate the niche it's going for-- high protein, low (no) sugar, and caffeine-- and I have had much worse things slither across my palate over the years. Try this for a quick fix of protein and/or caffeine, but don't expect a luxurious (or even average) chocolate milk experience from a flavor and drinking experience standpoint.

Jan 15

Jan 15 Shamrock Farms Builder Max Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Decidedly undersweet, and though it doesn't taste good per se, it's a bold and pleasant departure from its overly-cloying fakely sweet peers. On the texture side, it's what you think it is-- sludgy, chalky, chock full of protein isolate-- all things that veer strongly away from 'milky'. I am nonetheless impressed by the potability and restraint on the sweetening side. It's not good, but I must admit it's twice as good as I expected it to be.

Jun 19

Jun 19 Shamrock Farms Mocha Latte Rockin' Protein Energy

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Fairly odd stuff, even for the chocolate-adjacent category. It's as though you spilled a cup of cornstarch in your hours-old mug of Folgers. Doesn't have a ton of flavor, but what's there is decidedly more coffee than cocoa. It's undersweet, undersalty, undercreamy, and overstarchy. On the plus side, you could probably use this as the goopy paste in your next paper maché project.

Dec 11

Dec 11 Bored Cow Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Tough to put into words, but think late-August seafood restaurant dumpster juice, without the intrigue. Solidly misses the mark on every facet of chocolate milk (except for a nice but unnaturally bright brown coloration). The flavor is a dull, non-sweet fruitiness with zero inkling of chocolate flavor, and the texture is an odd confluence of watery but chalky and sadly astringent during the remorseful afterglow. I applaud the concept. I dig the niche. I like the branding. Hate is a strong word. I absolutely hate the flavor and drinking experience.

Oct 26

Oct 26 HEB Mootopia Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Strong and quick pop of upfront sweetness that settles down with a cocoa dusting in the latter third of each sip. A strong saltiness both distracts from the chocolate flavor and likely obfuscates any would-be twang from the non-sugar sweeteners. In short, it's unique, and has a punchy flavor-- just not in the exact locations and proportions that you'd get in a top-tier chocolate milk.

Sep 24

Sep 24 Marcel's Kinera Chocolate Milk Beverage

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Surprisingly flavorful and chocolaty for a shelf-stable, protein-fortified chocolate milk. Sure, there's some chalkiness from the protein concentrate, and sure, there's a slight but noticeable cooked milk flavor from the high-temp pasteurizing, but drinking this is decidedly more pleasure than pain, and compares very favorably to its typical 'recovery beverage' peer group. I get that a 5.0 isn't an impressive score, but for the genre, trust me- it is.

Aug 21

Aug 21 Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Cookies & Cream

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Strange light-vanilla flavor that has a cereal-esque bent to it-- but ultimately dominated by an inauthentic sweetness that peaks early and rears its head again in the aftertaste. It seems fakely sweet, fakely salty, and wholly unsatisfying. Texture-wise, it could be a lot worse, as it flows pretty freely and is not bogged down by a starchy sludginess like many others in the 'recovery' genre.

May 23

May 23 Bowl & Basket Lactose Free Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Attractive coffee-brown complexion, but the honeymoon wears thin rather quickly. It's immediately flavorful, which provides a little false hope that the remainder of the experience will follow suit. When the dust settles, your 'sweetness' itch has been adequately scratched, but the other elements (namely cocoa, cream) are largely missing, and foreboding sense of emptiness begins to set in.

May 12

May 12 Trader Joes Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

The enjoyment peaks early on in the sip with the initial rush of cocoa and moderate sweetness-- but it quickly abates in favor of an intrusive stevia wave-- not quite sharp enough to call it a 'twang'-- but it wrests control of the flavor throughout the 2nd and 3rd trimester-- leaving you with an unsatisfying and slightly drying aftertaste.

Mar 21

Mar 21 Fairlife DHA Omega-3 Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Thinner texture and a nicely more 'lithe' drinking experience compared with the traditional Fairlife chocolate milk. The monk fruit sweetener has been dialed back to a more manageable level and really only hampers the aftertaste- and even that, only slightly.

Mar 12

Mar 12 Fairlife Reduced Fat Cookies N' Creme Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Very muted flavor-- has an almost diluted quality to it, and while it's largely unoffensive-- it's far from moving the needle in any positive direction. Initially smooth, it finishes with a chalky, drying lilt and predictably flat aftertaste. I'll concede that the packaging looks cool-- but if it's what's on the inside that counts, this doesn't belong among polite society.

Mar 2

Mar 2 Chobani Reduced Fat Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Disturbingly thick, decidedly undersweet-- you almost have to chew it to get it down, which is a lot more work than the payoff is worth. I do appreciate the confidence to go low on the sugar, while not supplimenting with another kabuki sweetener. It's unique, and has a hefty protein kick, but the thickness-to-creaminess ratio is dissatisfyingly high, and I'm left with a dry mouth, full gut, and shattered dreams. Ok that's a bit dramatic.

Dec 1

Dec 1 Rebel Creamery Chocolate Cream Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Very unique combination-- a thick, creamy body with understated, but twangy non-sugar sweetness. Cocoa is hard to locate and takes a back seat to the sweetener and relatively prominent cooked milk flavor. The aftertaste leaves an unsatisfying coating in the mouth, but for just 1g sugar, it sort of feels like a 'win.'

Dec 1

Dec 1 Six Star Clean Protein Shake Gourmet Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Somehow manages to avoid 'face-twisting' territory. The texture is chalky, drying, and heavy, while the flavor is best described as faux-sweetly metallic. You could do a lot worse in this category, but drinking this for pleasure would be an exercise in self-loathing. If you need 32g of protein with minimal caloric baggage, have at it, but don't expect to like it.

Dec 1

Dec 1 Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

You won't believe that this doesn't contain 'coconut' flavor in some capacity. It's an odd flavor, completely devoid of chocolate, but surprisingly pleasant given the low expectations. It drinks a little lighter than its peers, but still has a drying chalkiness that seems to be unavoidable in this tranche. Points for uniqueness and wince-free potability.

Dec 1

Dec 1 PediaSure Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

As a closet Ensure apologist (don't tell anyone) this is largely similar in texture and flavor to its grown-up (elderly?) counterpart. There's a definite 'vitamin-y' quality to the flavor, but the sweet-salty balance is decent and there's enough fat content to usher each sip toward a satisfying conclusion provided your expectations are adequately tempered.

Oct 27

Oct 27 Fairlife Protein Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Lead-like dull flavor, with no semblance of what makes chocolate milk enjoyable-- some sweetness, cocoa, creaminess, etc-- none of those are remotely represented here. There's a mineral-esque, clinical, hold-your-nose-and-take-your-medicine quality to the 'flavor', and an egregiously chalky and drying finish that, as far as I can tell, is an effort to curb that pre-vomit salivation.

Jul 14

Jul 14 Oberweis Dairy Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

I'm genuinely embarrassed by my low expectations-- this is an outstanding port of the traditional Oberweis 2% chocolate milk. Particularly impressive is the no-sugar-added (allulose/stevia) finesse, executed so deftly that you have to try hard to notice the difference. For all the times I've been beat mercilessly over the head by the Stevia or Monk Fruit sledgehammer-- I had assumed that using these ingredients were a lost cause; an automatic palate destroyer. Not anymore. Oberweis figured out just the right levels to deliver a relatively low calorie, low sugar, high caliber chocolate milk experience worthy of your time, especially for those seeking these 'better for you' or lactose free features. It can be done. They cracked the code. I like this stuff.