All tagged 2.0

Muscle Milk Pro Chocolate Peanut Butter

Muscle Milk Pro Chocolate Peanut Butter

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Not as thick or (fakely) sweet as the 'Knockout Chocolate' flavor-- but it still carries plenty of heft and an odd peanut-adjacent flavor that caused me to bristle at first, but subsequent sips beat my tastebuds into submission where it became palatable (but no more enjoyable). There was an element of 'stop resisting' [insert police brutality meme]. Nothing about the flavor or drinking experience approaches 'good' or even 'ok'. The aftertaste is an unpleasant continuation of its preceding sip; I would seriously struggle for motivation if this were my post-workout 'reward.' 

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Chocolate Protein Shake

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Surprisingly bland, and I mean that in a good way. The sweeteners aren't out of control, the texture isn't overly thick or chalky, and the cocoa flavor is subtle, if not pancake-thin, but identifiable nonetheless. Usually protein shakes slither and writhe out of their openings like a (somehow still alive) jellied eel-- and in this case, it's, well, directionally milky (but not milky) and it doesn't try to do too much. And it largely achieves that (not much). And it doesn't offend terribly in the process. Backhanded praise is still praise. A score of 2.0 is generous.

Spylt Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Spylt Caffeinated Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Thin, watery, and immediately sweet-- it has a similar hit to Yoo-hoo, but the cocoa flavor is drowned out by an inauthentic and oddly fleeting sweetness (whereas Yoo-hoo's cocoa flavor is drowned out by an authentic sweetness). The thin viscosity quickly abates and you're left with a surprisingly chalky finish given its initial litheness. I appreciate the niche it's going for-- high protein, low (no) sugar, and caffeine-- and I have had much worse things slither across my palate over the years. Try this for a quick fix of protein and/or caffeine, but don't expect a luxurious (or even average) chocolate milk experience from a flavor and drinking experience standpoint.

Equate Chocolate Nutritional Shake

Equate Chocolate Nutritional Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Thick, mildly grainy, chalky, and severely handcuffed by a strong, metallic flavor that hits in the back half of the sip. Fortunately it doesn't linger for very long, but when both the taste and texture are miles from decency (let alone perfection) it's hard to give this anything above a deuce.

Orgain Kids Protein Organic Chocolate Shake

Orgain Kids Protein Organic Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Undersweet in a way that feels extreme at first, but feels more appropriate once you're several sips in. There's an artificial twinge in the aftertaste that leaves me in a bad place, but I get that this is not meant for recreation, but for discipline. There's a modestly creamy base that can support much more than the dusting of cocoa contained therein, and while uniqueness has cachet with me, too many of its idiosyncrasies stack up in the 'loss' column. Maybe it tastes better through the provided straw, but I'm not curious enough to try this again anytime soon.

Chobani Reduced Fat Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Chobani Reduced Fat Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Disturbingly thick, decidedly undersweet-- you almost have to chew it to get it down, which is a lot more work than the payoff is worth. I do appreciate the confidence to go low on the sugar, while not supplimenting with another kabuki sweetener. It's unique, and has a hefty protein kick, but the thickness-to-creaminess ratio is dissatisfyingly high, and I'm left with a dry mouth, full gut, and shattered dreams. Ok that's a bit dramatic.

Borden Kid Builder Chocolate Milk

Borden Kid Builder Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Cloying upfront sweetness, especially for a no sugar added product— where the stevia takes over in the latter half of the sip, steering you into a chemical-esque downward spiral of dread. The texture is less concerning, though it sports an odd lightness, thankfully making it less likely to trigger your gag reflex.

TruMoo Fat Free Chocolate Milk

TruMoo Fat Free Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

A mere husk of what chocolate milk could (and should) be, this fat-free, soul-free, flavor-free concoction leaves you with nothing more than an annoying astringent finish and abject puzzlement. Water seems more interesting and nuanced by comparison.

Cheer Fat Free Chocolate Milk

Cheer Fat Free Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Feels more syrupy than milky— not only texture-wise, but the flavor is also more of an empty sweetness than one of chocolate. It checks the box for the waning populace to whom the phrase ‘fat free’ still holds cachet— but this is yet another example of nonfat chocolate milk attempting to please everyone, whilst effectively pleasing no one. 

Zesto Choc-O Chocolate Milk

Zesto Choc-O Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
Philippines

The drink has a cartoony feel that’s eerily congruent with the lasso-wielding, bi-pedal cow emblazoned on the package. Flavorwise, there's a pronounced sourness that is common with some flavorings, and the texture is unpleasantly inauthentic feeling (and looking).

Goodday Chocolate Milk

Goodday Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
Malaysia

More sharply ‘rummy’ than the UHT version, and accompanied by a ‘soiled paint thinner’ note quite opposite of the pleasantly sweet vanilla aroma. On its own, you might not notice the shortcomings as much, but in serial comparison to other chocolate milks, it’s surprisingly ugly.

Fresh Delight Chocolate Milk (UHT)

Fresh Delight Chocolate Milk (UHT)

Perry Argiropoulos
Taiwan

Paralyzingly bland-- no sweetness, cocoa, salt, malt, you name it.. Scoring this a 2.0 overall, as anything below 2.0 needs to have enough of a flavor to be considered ‘bad.’ This product is evidently aimed at those who find ketchup too spicy, and The Andy Griffith Show too racy.

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