Beautifully thin and smooth creamline body with a substantially sweet and chocolaty punch dominating the experience. The hefty cocoa presence remains throughout, and if you've got a sweet tooth, this stuff will definitely find it.
Clover Valley Lactose Free Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk
Whoa-- way more sweet than I was expecting-- it was actually so powerfully cloying that it stung the back of the throat. I have to assume that this is not intentional and I got a particularly heavy-handed batch-- as I've had lots of this genre and it has never registered as painfully sweet. In an effort to look past that, there is a decent cocoa flavor (and gorgeous dark brown coloration) that is getting drowned out by the sugary onslaught. Texture-wise, it's got a bit of grit from the cocoa presence (again, which seems above and beyond for the lactose free, private-label genre,which I appreciate) and feels substantial and congruent with its 2% base. If you've got a sweet tooth, this will find it, and rot it out.
Mapes Farm Fresh Chocolate Milk
From the drop-dead gorgeous look of the unshaken bottle (chocolate at bottom, cream at top) to the excellent high-creaminess-to-thin-viscosity ratio, this is a uniquely delicious treat that drinks quickly (gone before you know it) and truly leaves you wanting more. The sweet/salty balance is finely tuned, the texture is fantastically lithe, and the cocoa presence is tasty and light. Perhaps the creamy base could shoulder more cooca flavor, or maybe that's me getting overzealous. I do have a problem, after all.
Shamrock Farms Reduced Fat Cookies 'n Cream Milk
Smooth and well balanced on all fronts-- delivering an accurate and tasty cookies & cream flavor. This has done well to keep the sweetness to a manageable level and not try to do 'too much'-- which a lot of chocolate-adjacent milks tend to do. I appreciate the competence and once again the balance-- I'm surprised that this is a limited edition by Shamrock Farms, as it ranks (to me) as one of the better offerings they've come up with to date.
The Reedsville Creamery Chocolate Peanut Butter Milk
Unfortunately, this one has turned to the dark side well before its 'sell by' date-- perhaps it was handled poorly in transit or by the retailer. I will look for another opportunity to review this in the near future. Of course I took a sip anyway (can't help myself). It was rough.
Country Creamery Chocolate Milk
Confident upfront saltiness sets the tone for a modeslty grassy onslaught of creamy goodness to which many aspire, but few attain. The medium-to-malty cocoa flavor pops in the latter half of the sip, tapers slowly amidst the buttery afterglow, before finally exiting like a gracious houseguest-- leaving you wanting more. So buy more than you think you need.
Muscle Milk Pro Chocolate Peanut Butter
Not as thick or (fakely) sweet as the 'Knockout Chocolate' flavor-- but it still carries plenty of heft and an odd peanut-adjacent flavor that caused me to bristle at first, but subsequent sips beat my tastebuds into submission where it became palatable (but no more enjoyable). There was an element of 'stop resisting' [insert police brutality meme]. Nothing about the flavor or drinking experience approaches 'good' or even 'ok'. The aftertaste is an unpleasant continuation of its preceding sip; I would seriously struggle for motivation if this were my post-workout 'reward.'
Big Bottom Milk Company Chocolate Milk
Confident upfront saltiness sets the tone for a modeslty grassy onslaught of creamy goodness to which many aspire, but few attain. The medium-to-malty cocoa flavor pops in the latter half of the sip, tapers slowly amidst the buttery afterglow, before finally exiting like a gracious houseguest-- leaving you wanting more. So buy more than you think you need.
Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Chocolate Protein Shake
Surprisingly bland, and I mean that in a good way. The sweeteners aren't out of control, the texture isn't overly thick or chalky, and the cocoa flavor is subtle, if not pancake-thin, but identifiable nonetheless. Usually protein shakes slither and writhe out of their openings like a (somehow still alive) jellied eel-- and in this case, it's, well, directionally milky (but not milky) and it doesn't try to do too much. And it largely achieves that (not much). And it doesn't offend terribly in the process. Backhanded praise is still praise. A score of 2.0 is generous.
SlimFast High Protein Creamy Chocolate Shake
Disturbingly thick and chalky, with no positive flavor attributes and a sharp yet playful fake-sweetener twang to the uvula. Impressive enough stats-- 20g protein, 1g sugar, 5g fiber, etc.-- however, it's living proof that there's no biological 'free lunch' as the saying goes. Bad taste and a worse feel, this leans more 'appetite suppressant' than the intended 'meal replacement.'
Spylt Max Caffeinated Chocolate Milk
Though the ingredients don't differ (except caffeine content) In side-by-side comparison, this has a noticeably less-cloying upfront sweetness than its lower-ceffeine counterpart, making it feel slightly more balanced. The unpleasantly heavy chalkiness is still present in the latter half of the sip-- almost complelling you to take another sip-- which of course won't improve the situation. Like downing a bunch of water in an attempt to allay an undesired spiciness in your mouth. Anyway, I'm starting to feel the buzz a couple minutes into the can-- so the caffeine is definitely there and does its job well.
Spylt Caffeinated Chocolate Milk
Thin, watery, and immediately sweet-- it has a similar hit to Yoo-hoo, but the cocoa flavor is drowned out by an inauthentic and oddly fleeting sweetness (whereas Yoo-hoo's cocoa flavor is drowned out by an authentic sweetness). The thin viscosity quickly abates and you're left with a surprisingly chalky finish given its initial litheness. I appreciate the niche it's going for-- high protein, low (no) sugar, and caffeine-- and I have had much worse things slither across my palate over the years. Try this for a quick fix of protein and/or caffeine, but don't expect a luxurious (or even average) chocolate milk experience from a flavor and drinking experience standpoint.
Promised Land Dairy Midnight Chocolate Milk (2024)
Still thick, sweet, and chocolaty as prior formulations, though to me (as someone who has had lots of PL over the years, but cannot test the versions side-by-side) it feels slightly thicker (unfavorable) and saltier (favorable) which cancel each other out from an enjoyment standpoint. While there is still a Jersey cow on the label, it now reads 'Taste the Promised Land Difference' rather than saying 'Taste the Jersey Cow Difference'-- which, to me, seems like an admission that PL is no longer using 100% Jersey milk. All that said, it's still an enjoyable treat that is one of the better national brands you'll find in the States.
Freshly Dairy Cookies & Cream Milk
Cookies & Cream is a difficult flavor to do justice, and I usually cringe in preparation for a sweetness onslaught that typically goes well above your average chocolate milk. That's definitely not the case here-- this exudes a rich, cookie-forward flavor without the sugary crutch. The creamline body extends the flavor to its asymptotic maximum, leaving you with (finally!) a cookies & cream milk accessible enough to a young palate, and truly enjoyable (but on a different level) to a more mature audience. Kind of like some of the iconic animated 'childrens' films like Toy Story, Frozen, etc. So basically an instant classic, and a standout in the C&C milk genre.
Freshly Dairy Protein Milk
Remarkable in many ways-- all of them good. A whole, creamline, protein-fortified chocolate milk is an extremely rare find, and in this case, fantastically well conceived and executed. The added whey protein concentrate carries no flavor or textural baggage whatsoever-- it does add a little thickness but there's no way that I would know that without having looked at the label. I dig that the most prominent flavor is a salty-maltiness (not sweetness)-- and despite lacking a powerful cocoa presence, this is simply one of the very best tasting (and drinking) protein-fortified products that I've ever had. And I've had hundreds.
Morning Fresh Farms Lowfat Chocolate Milk
Appropriately thin texture, and seemingly more vanilla flavor than chocolate. It doesn't take long for the high fructose corn syrup twang to surface in the aftertaste, an effect that becomes more noticable as you work your way through the gallon. No need to get that far, unless you're dying of thirst or share a similar chocolate milk psychosis to mine.
Purity Chocolate Milk
Sharply sweet with otherwise decent balance of flavor and texture for a homogenized whole chocolate milk. The cocoa flavor is slightly warm and pleasant, but becomes overshadowed early and late by the searing sugary rush-- which registers on the uvula and feels a bit 'much' when it's all said and done.
Wholesome Farms Chocolate Lowfat Milk
Smooth and agreeable on the palate, with an appropriate sweetness and medium-to-malty cocoa flavor that feels unique (when it shouldn't). Not bad for a hotel breakfast bar-- modestly above standard but still worlds apart from a whole, creamline chocolate milk.
Shamrock Farms Builder Max Chocolate Shake
Decidedly undersweet, and though it doesn't taste good per se, it's a bold and pleasant departure from its overly-cloying fakely sweet peers. On the texture side, it's what you think it is-- sludgy, chalky, chock full of protein isolate-- all things that veer strongly away from 'milky'. I am nonetheless impressed by the potability and restraint on the sweetening side. It's not good, but I must admit it's twice as good as I expected it to be.
Muscle Milk Zero Chocolate Protein Shake
Fakely (and strongly) sweet upfront with a starchy, chalky body-- full of protein to be sure, but devoid of anything pleasant. There's little to no cocoa flavor in spite of its dark and deeply brown visage. The post-sip vibes are a regret-inducing confluence of astringency and cloying chemical sweetness. ZERO reasons to drink this unless you need a quick protein infusion.