All in USA

HEB Organics Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Appropriate salty/sweet balance for a more adult, sourish, mature(ish) cocoa flavor-- which seems to be standard across many private label 2% organic chocolate milks. Sure, there's a cooked milk flavor from the ultra-pasteurization, sure that kills the 'soul' of the chocolate milk-- but the rest of it is decent enough to satisfy in a pinch, or even feature as the 'indulgent' portion of an unremarkable bagged lunch.

Mauthe's Progress Milk Barn Chocolate Milk

Gracefully thin and smooth for a creamline chocolate milk-- I appreciate the alacrity with which it moves and the facility with I can down a pint. Flavor-wise, it registers a sweetness upfront, followed by a lightly malty cocoa presence that takes you the rest of the way. It drinks quickly, and is enjoyable while it lasts.

Green Acres Creamery Moo-Caccino

Accurate and well-balanced mocha flavor delivered through a gorgeously creamy base-- I could get used to waking up to this every morning. And having it in the afternoon. Pretty much whenever I guess. If you enjoy the confluence of coffee & cocoa- definitely add this to your bucket list.

Green Acres Creamery Chocolate Peanut Butter Milk

Delicious onslaught of chocolaty, peanut-buttery, creamy goodness that does the combination justice. It takes advantage of its slightly less viscous (than its peers) texture to deliver brilliant, punchy flavor early and often to whatever surface it graces. Absolutely loving this right now, it will wake up your tastebuds without feeling heavy-handed-- it will bring a mid-sip smile to your mouth and gleam to your soul.

Green Acres Creamery Chocolate Milk

Warm creaminess with a salty and slightly grassy nip upfront, which sets the tone nicely for the cocoa flavor that tapers off gracefully into the aftertaste. It feels solidly built upon a delicious Jersey creamline foundation and rewards you with an indulgent treat worthy of slow, pensive sips and that coveted top-shelf refrigerator real estate.

Land O Lakes Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Smooth, lightly chocolaty, unoffensive, rather tolerable. It's saltier than sweet, and otherwise down the middle. Will not cause rapid heartbeat, excitement, depression, lust, anxiety, or any other sensation aside from a burning calm that, if unchecked, can lead to a sunken, empty regret for having played it safe.

Ten Finns Creamery Chocolate Milk

The rare, non-homogenous 2% body is by far its strongest attribute, and, well-- perhaps its only distinguishable attribute. While I appreciate the thin, creamier-than-it-should-be milky base, it could shoulder a ton more flavor than it is tasked with. Minnesota is known for relatively bland palates, and aside from a light stationery flavor (think licking a greeting card-- kinda satisfying, I know)-- it's difficult to locate much of a cocoa flavor at all. I want it to be there. I want to like this more than I do. I want to like myself more than I do. I identify with this chocolate milk: only modestly above average on its best day.

Mülü Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Sourish cocoa paired with a strong cooked milk flavor-- admittedly not something that sounds immediately enticing. Texture-wise, it's a tad chalky but otherwise unoffensive-- and as a whole, the enjoyment peaks at the mild satisfaction of a few strong pulls off of the straw.

Sport Shake Chocolate (2022)

Thick, sludgy, and paralyzingly sweet-- it looks better than it tastes and exudes a bit of 'heat' on the palate that feels weird. Good chocolate milk rarely comes in aluminum cans-- and it never comes in a can that looks like this.

Marcel's Kinera Chocolate Milk Beverage

Surprisingly flavorful and chocolaty for a shelf-stable, protein-fortified chocolate milk. Sure, there's some chalkiness from the protein concentrate, and sure, there's a slight but noticeable cooked milk flavor from the high-temp pasteurizing, but drinking this is decidedly more pleasure than pain, and compares very favorably to its typical 'recovery beverage' peer group. I get that a 5.0 isn't an impressive score, but for the genre, trust me- it is.

Gossner Foods Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Upfront blast of sweetness followed by a cooked milk flavor that carries through to the aftertaste. The high degree of sweetness overpowers the rest of the experience and ultimately feels a bit hollow. On the positive side, its reduced fat base feels substantial and is certainly preferable to a lowfat or nonfat alternative.

Gossner Foods Reduced Fat Cookies 'N Cream Milk

Very heavy-handed on the sugary side of the ledger-- affording very little else to come through in the sip. The cookies & cream flavor is somewhat muted and drinks more like a 'candified' chocolate milk-- by that, I mean that it tastes more like chocolate candy than actual chocolate. Texture-wise, there are clumps of goo that float to the top and detract from a smooth drinking experience. I don't like it.

Nash Creamery Mocha Milk

Deliciously balanced representation of the mocha flavor with a chocolate presence on the front end and warm, lasting coffee simmer on the back end. The creamline base does its job extremely well in a supporting role, and a pint goes surprisingly quickly though my intent was to savor it as I would my morning cup of joe. I'll do it with the next pint, I promise.

Nash Creamery Chocolate Milk

Lots to love here-- medium cocoa flavor over a solidly-built, densely creamy base and a sweet/salty balance nicely tipped in favor of the latter. But for me, the star of the show is the buttery, grassy sustain in the latter third of the sip and into the aftertaste-- a perfect homage to its origins, and an extra dimension of flavor that is rarely attained in our world of mass-produced chocolate milk.

Goshen Homestead Creamery Chocolate Milk

I'm almost speechless. Dark, sour/mature cocoa flavor-- a signature of local Asheville chocolatier French Broad Chocolate-- over a gorgeous grass-fed creamline base, and sweetened only with honey. Three ingredients-- a match made in heaven, and one of the most unique and memorable drinkable experiences I've had in my life, which includes (but is not limited to) the over 1,700 chocolate milks I've had up to this point. Sure, it might not be for everyone, but that just means there's more left for me.

Meadowburne Dairy Farm Chocolate Milk

Sublime confluence of buttery Jersey cream, delicious medium-to-mature cocoa flavor, and a finely-tuned sweet/salty balance appropriately in favor of the latter. As stunningly gorgeous as the label is, it still undersells what is on the inside-- and we all know it's what's on the inside that counts. And now as I write this-- it's inside me-- increasing my overall worth, if only for a short time.

Bad Farm Chocolate Milk

Gorgeously creamy base that is more than up to the task of delivering deliciousness straight to your brain stem. It starts with a punchy sweetness that remains prominent for the first 2/3 of the sip, then it gives way to the cream flavor which surges in the latter third and sets the tone for the aftertaste. In my experience, the cocoa flavor is tertiary (*fancy word, I know) but pleasantly malty while it lasts. It's unique, and feels brilliantly on the palate; alas I should have bought more.